i could get lost in a voice like yours

"And in the freefall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

I haven’t updated in years.. I’m officially an upperclassmen at IHA. I’m kind of scared, yet really really excited. This year has started of really good, I just can’t believe that I’m turning 17 soon. EW! haha I want to stay young forever.  

My best friend’s birthday is on Sunday and I’m throwing her a surprise birthday dinner. I’m really excited for it because honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without her. 

Oh and I get to go see So You Think You Can Dance on Thursday, I’m honestly dying right now. I cannot wait!<3333 

okay gotta go write notes now, byeeee :)

You used to treat me like I was special. Now you’ve found someone else and she gets to be the special one. You can’t just throw me out of your mind. It doesn’t work like that. Besides, what are you going to do when whatever you have with this someone ends? Because it will. You’re just to blind to see that right now. But when it ends, I won’t be there to help pick up the pieces for you. You’ll have to do it all by yourself and you haven’t been alone in such a long time. And at that second when you and her fall apart…you’ll wish you would’ve never let me go.

Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand, because for so long I’ve been hurt and for so long you’ve ignored it, and maybe it is bad timing, but maybe, I don’t care. I’ve been here all along just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too, and you haven’t and maybe you never will or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same, and in the end, I’m the one that’s left broken and when I lay down to sleep, I’m still the one crying, so screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will.

 I don’t know what to say to you. You mean the world to me. And you know it’s true, one day you make me feel like a million dollars and the next like dog shit on the bottom of your shoe. You make me smile, laugh and sing, at the same time you make me cry and scream. I don’t know why you do this to me, and I really don’t know why I let you do this to me. I guess it’s because every time I start to lose hope you give it back to me, you make me think there is a chance again. If you asked me today what is tomorrow going to be like, I would tell you that there would be no more you and me, that I was not going to take your crap and let you walk all over me. Then tomorrow comes, and you give me one look, you know that look, the one that makes me melt right there and I have hope again. This happens again, and again. At first I thought it was all your fault, but now I know it’s mine. The only thing you’re doing to me is being my friend, I should take it as that, friends are better than nothing. Then you hug me, or tell me a joke and I know we are meant to be. So I don’t care how many times this happens, I really don’t care cause I love you, and all that is important to me is us being together. And I know that right now you don’t see it. But someday you will, and it’ll be great! But for now, if I’m your lover, or just your friend I’ll be here for you no matter what. You can count on me.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here ‘til the moment I’m gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I’m just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me and all over me

You loved me ‘cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I’m just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you’re keeping me down
You’re keeping me down

You’re on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

And I tore you out of my heart..

How did you get here under my skin? I swore I would never let you back in. 
There’s something about you thats so addictive. 

I’m so done pretending that I’m okay, because clearly I’m not. You broke my heart, there’s no other way I can possibly say it. You hurt me and you didn’t care. Want to know what really bothers me? Is the fact that you told me you cared for me more than anything and that I was the one person that you ALWAYS came back to. What I just realized is that I was the idiot for letting you come back to me. But not anymore. This time I’ve had enough. No matter what you tell me, you better believe that no one will put up with your shit the way I did. NO ONE will like you as much or for as long as I did. You might think that you’ve got it all planned out and you’re the winner, but baby, in fact I’ve won. One day, you might look back and realize, just maybe, that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have ever let me go. You might regret that night that you had a chance to fix everything.. and you didn’t. But hopefully, one day you’ll see me walking hand in hand with a smile on my face and a boy right next to me with an even bigger smile because he knows he has my heart and he would never do anything to hurt me. You’re going to regret letting me go, but he’ll be thanking you. And I’m thanking you now. 

You’ve made me stronger. For three years, I’ve tried to make us be an “us”. But all I’m left with is a broken heart and a tear stricken face. 

I’m ignoring your calls and I’m erasing every inch of our memories from my mind.. AND I’ve torn you out of my heart… for good. 

NYC on thursday.

Even though, I live like 5 minutes away from NYC, I still get so excited when I get to go to NY :)  

Stole this from Mariel :)

STEP ONE:

Spell your name with songs.

L: lost
A: all again for you
U: use somebody
R: reverse this curse
E: everything is alright
N: not a second to waste

spell your last name with bands

G: Gym Class Heroes
A: A Rocket to the Moon
R: Relient K
C: the Cab
I: I don’t know
A: Avenged Sevenfold 

STEP TWO:
– Name: lauren
– Birth date: march 4th
– Nickname: laur
– Eye Color: blue/green
– Hair Color: dirty blonde
– Zodiac Sign: pisces

STEP THREE:
–The shoes you wore today: black flats
– Your weaknesses: this boy
– Your fear(s): death, thunder, failure
– Your perfect pizza: CHEESE
– Goal you’d like to achieve: EVERYTHING

STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature: i like my eyes, but you tell me :) 
– Your bedtime? …
– Most missed memory?: 8th grade

STEP FIVE:
This Or That
– Pepsi or Coke? coke
– McDonald’s or Burger King: Burger King..
– Adidas or Nike: neither
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: arizona & snapple
– Chocolate or Vanilla: I HATE CHOCOLATE
– Cappuccino or coffee: white chocolate mocha :)

STEP SIX:
Do You…
– Smoke: mm, NO
– Curse: fuck no
– Sing: eh, when i want
– Dance: yes, its a life style
– Take a shower everyday: duhh
– Want to go to college: yes.. forensic chemistry
– Like(d) high school: at times..
– Want to get married: eh.. boys are usually the main problems of my life
– Get motion sickness: sometimes
– Think you’re attractive: nope
– Think you’re a health freak: haha, funny.
– Get along with your parents: … most of the time

STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: yes?
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: NO
– Eaten Sushi: yes
– Been on stage: yep
– Gone skating: NO 
– Made homemade cookies: mhmm(:
– Gone Skinny dipping: no :( haha
– Stolen anything: nope

STEP EIGHT:
Ever…
– Played a game that required removal of clothing: not that i recall
- Flashed anyone: … haha
– Been beaten up: HAHA, yea right
– Shoplifted: yes

STEP NINE:
– Age you hope to be married: mid 20s
– Numbers of Children: two
– Describe your Dream Wedding: i chose not to have dreams because they’re usually crushed.
– What country would you most like to visit? cuba

STEP TEN:
In the opposite sex..
– Best eye color?: idc
– Best hair color?: depends
– Short hair or long hair?: depends on the person
– Height: just taller than me & thats most guys ahaha

STEP ELEVEN:
– Number of people I could trust with my life: a few, actually
– Number of CDs that I own: ALOT  
– Number of tattoos: 0, :(
– Number of piercings: 2

Personal Quiz
Who were you with yesterday? a ton of family and friends, i was @ a wake
What woke you up this morning? my mother, i had to go to a funeral
Where are you? my bedroom
Is tomorrow going to be a good day? maybe, if i go shopping

THE PAST
Ever thrown up in public? yes, but just cause i was extremely sick
Passed out because of alcohol? no? i don’t drink
What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? a certain someone.
Why? he has me going crazy and he’s got me feeling a thousand different things all at once and it sucks.

THE FUTURE
What kind of home would you like? in california or in florida, a house right by the beach
What do you want to be when you grow up? a forensic chemist for the FBI
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? hopefully in europe.

IN GENERAL
Do you like candy necklaces? YES
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? today..
Do you listen to music every day? YES!
Do you still go trick or treating? of coursee
What was the last thing you ate? baked ziti 
Are you a fast typer? yes, i basically live on my computer and my blackberry
Whats your favorite type of soda? depends my mood
Have you ever moved? yep, once
Have you ever won an award? yes plenty
Are you listening to music right now? watching an old school mary kate and ashley olsen movie
How long ’till your birthday? 8 months :( 
When were you the saddest in your whole life? this whole month has been made up of let downs, disappointments and heart breaks. 
What time is it? 5:02
Do you use ebay to buy or sell? nope.
Who makes you mad? certain people. 
Something you want to happen in 2009? nothing 2009 has sucked. 
Summer 2009? it started and it sucks.
Honestly, do you miss 2008? yes, a lil

HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? black
2. Honestly, whats on your mind? some asshole
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? on my computer, talking to friends, and watching tv
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? no.. 
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? my mother
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? nope.
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time? haha everyone
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails? nope
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment? yes.. 
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret now? uhm?
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like? no, because i’m not like that. 
17. Honestly, are you in denial? no? ahaha
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night and eat? no
19. Honestly, do you like anyone? yes
20. Honestly, does anyone like you? idc if he still does or not.

ANGER SECTION

1. What do you do when you’re mad? call my best friends and vent and cry and cry some more.
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? i don’t even know…
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? myself 
4. Do you swear when you’re mad? YES, constantly

CRYING SECTION
1. When was the last time you actually cried? YESTERDAY.. 
2. Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes, i have every night this month
3. Do certain songs make you cry? yes.. 
4. What usually makes you cry? him